I'm not ok

Hey all, I wasn't sure if I was going to write this or not, still not sure if i'll post it or just delete everything I write. I can't sleep tonight because everything that's been going on in the last three months seems to be coming to a head for me. a person can only be strong for so long, and really with things like this it's best to get it out and talk to friends, least that's what me shrink says. I think she just doesn't know what to tell me anymore. Anyway after tonight I tried to go to bed and just got really upset. Now I'm far from a sensitive person, faaaar from it. It takes a lot to upset me and even more to put me in tears but tonight I was/am in tears. I upset a friend and that hurt my heart. But other things have been going on too. and I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight if I don't get them out in the open. who knows may you guys can help! you never know what kind of advice someone might have.

So august started my downward spiral. So to speak. I was doing better with my depression and anxiety but then something in my head snapped. I got bad real bad. I had an emergency appointment to my shrink where they downloaded me on meds. and I had to be watched over for 24 hours. The rest of the month was like walking on egg shells. I didn't want to leave the house and I was snapping at everyone.

Fast forward to last month. Things got worse, I blamed my meds and stoped taking some of them. (I stood on the paxil because it keeps the monsters away) I did get a little better i was able to leave the house and go shopping with my mom and things. but I was tired all the time, I had no energy and no motivation to do anything, there was times I didn't want to come on line at night because I rather be sleeping. When I was sleeping I wasn't hurting. But I came on Because talking to you guys really helps me out. Even when I'm really bad, talking and Rping with you all helps. So last month went like that all month

Eariler this month I tried twice to kill myself. I must have a stomach of iron because the pills simply made me sleepy and I went to sleep only to wake up with a hangover a few hours later. Again I didn't want to leave the house or talk to anyone. I went to the bowling alley because my mom made me, saying it would be good for me to get out of the house. and I had fun there.

Now there is this halloween party tonight (tomorrow night whatever) I do not want to go. I have been saying that from the start I don't want to go. No one was taking me seriously though, so I started to get upset and made up excuses as to why I couldn't go. But every reason I had someone had a solution. No one was taking the hint. So I'm basically being forced to go to a party that I don't want to go to. I rather be jigsaws victim then go to this party. I would rather be home and talk to you guys at night.

I'm back on my meds now but things still arn't ok. I'm sure they will be. I just don't know when.

well there I got that all off my chest, I had been wanting to tell you all what was going on with me for awhile now. but I always chickened out. Like I don't want to bring other people down with my problems. I don't even talk to my mom about most of this stuff.

Anyway. I should go to bed. try to sleep. Maybe try to come up with another reason to not go to this party. My family really has no idea how much they are upsetting me. I don't want to tell them cuz then I'll come off as a wimp. My peeps are like, toughen up and suck it up kinda people. so that's really hard when you're emotionally a wreak.

thanks for listening. any and all advice is welcomed. the shrinks aren't really helping. I have thought about admitting myself in the hospital. but then I wouldn't have access to a comeputer and I couldn't talk to you all! and that would just make things worse.

ok I'm going to stop talking now. night all.

Your 'confession' of sorts left me speechless, Mikko.  I had no idea you were suffering this much.  I know you've had lots of sleepless nights, and you're constantly not feeling well, but...wow!  *HUGS*  Please just hang in there!  I'm glad you finally told us what's been on your mind.

This current situation with your friend will pass.  I know it will.  I know you two can work things out.  Just please don't do anything drastic on the forums OR in real-life.  You definitely have people that care about you on here and want to you get better again.  I just wish your family was more understanding and open-minded about your situation.

As far as your next move, I'm not really sure.  If meds aren't working, and neither are shrinks, well...just opening up to friends might work better for you.  I've had a lot of experience with this because of one of my friends constantly makes bad choices.  The problem is, she won't follow through on things I (and even other friends) suggest for her.  I hate seeing her in this situation, but she won't make the necessary steps to make things better for herself.

But, I digress.  I don't have a clear answer if professional help doesn't seem to have much effect on your situation.  But probably what I mentioned before about having support from people that care about you can help a lot.  Because they will listen to you.  They will be there for you, no matter what.  And, they also can offer tips and advice on how to help you get through this.

JUST PLEASE HANG IN THERE!! *HUUUUUUUUUGS!!!!*

*hugs* thanks, Kitteh! I do feel a lot better getting it all off my chest. and I have decided to put my foot down and not go to that party. I am going to hang in there. I know things will get better. I just wish they would get better faster. *hugs*

I had no clue you've been feeling this way, although you had given vague hints for the past couple of weeks. Remember, I just logged on, so I have no clue what is happening in your life. I understand what it is like to hit rock bottom. It feels like you are falling down a deep well and somehow, you can't climb out of it. You just need to find something to hold onto, like your friends on here.

I really hope that everything works out in the end. Although I am happy to hear that you are going to put your foot down and say no. You have every right not to go to that party. You are a full grown adult capable of making your own decisions. Nobody should make you do something that you feel uncomfortable doing.

As for shrinks, I never trusted them, or pills for that matter. I always felt that they make you feel worse. There is a reason why those pills come with all sorts of side effects. They focus on only one problem, it doesn't help solve it.

*Hugs tightly* As you probably know, I PMed you.. so forgive the short reply here. I'm not going to say a lot about myself here because this is not about me, but you know that I've battled similar demons. If you ever need to talk, just let me know.. I'm always here for you. As I told you in PM, you're a close friend, and as much as we all adore RP... this is just a game.


If I can look this demon in the eye and tell it 'You're not going to win!', I know you can too. Believe me, I know what a struggle it is at times but always remember you're stronger than this illness. You're a touch chick, so just keep hanging in there. *squeezes*

Thanks guys, your support means a lot to me. And getting this all out in the open really does help me. I finally told my mom about the over dose of pills I took. And told her how I was feeling, so we made am emergency appointment with the shrink. sadly though, I see a free clinic because I'm poor so emergency means in a few days. I got an appointment for Monday.

I'm not sure why I keep going to be honest. They either give me ill advice, or pop another pill in me. What i mean by ill advice it. One doctor (I see who ever is on call so I don't have just one doctor) told me to get a car and make friends. Like that was no problem. I can just go out and get a car and make new friends out of the blue.

Another time i was told to stop being sad. This is the actual advice I'm getting from doctors.

The meds don't do anything either. other then make me physically ill. Paxil is my friend though, that was the first thing they put me on years ago. I'm taking a high does of it too. But like I said before it keeps the monsters away ( I use to see demons and monsters now they are gone as is my sleeping issues)

I'm also on three anti anxiety meds. I still have high anxiety. Had a doc tell me. "Try to relax" Like thanks a lot.

I actually find sewing to help me out. I sew up the dogs ripped toys or buttons and things. Now I'm starting to make dolls. (just brought a charm for a doll I'm making for Rogue)

anyway I'm going to wrap this post up. thank you all I love you all bunches. I hope we never stop talking. and who knows maybe one day we'll be able to meet.

   

If it's a free clinic that's giving you this so-called advice, I'm not all that surprised.  I doubt they have 'real' doctors there.   Especially not certified psychologists.  And clearly these people don't seem to have a lot of common sense, either.  

I know you don't have a lot of money to see the good doctors, but, considering how much you pay for meds that don't work, it seems like you could use that money to get a better doctor that knows what they're doing.  I really don't think this free clinic is worth going back to.

*HUGS*  This is just my thoughts.  Still the best solution (that's absolutely free) is talking to friends. ^^  I'm glad we're helping you with our support and advice.  And we'll continue to do so.  I know I'm not going anywhere, and I don't think the others will either.  It would be awesome if we could all meet in person someday.